The Shoemaker's Daughter
69
Thoughts on what to do when an important person in your life disappoints you
Just a few days ago, I shared with my husband that I have started blogging and had in fact written a few pieces. I showed him that I have had some “traffic” – a few people had actually taken the time to read what I wrote – yes!; and that along with being a creative outlet, it may even be a way of making pocket money via advertisements and whatnot.
Well, to say his enthusiasm was overwhelming would be an outright lie. To say his support of my efforts was gratifying would be a great exaggeration. To say his positive comments on my creativity was a pleasure for the ego would be…. I think you get the point.
Apparently, in his view of the world, blogging is just another modern creation, along with texting, tweeting and social networking, that he not only does not see the point of, but views with total disdain. His feelings about it are so strong, that he was not able to muster up any enthusiasm for his wife’s efforts. Oh, and the click, click, click noise of my fingers on the key board are just about driving him insane. Guess it was a good thing that I had shared my work with him only after it was a faint accompli…. I don’t know if my initial creativity would have survived the negative onslaught.
So, why am I sharing this? Well, for a few reasons, (1) as a way of giving and receiving moral support since I am sure I am not the only blogger out there who has experienced lack of support from partners or loved ones, (2) as a way of hashing this out with myself, since I find I am a bit stunned by his response, and (3) as a commentary on life as this reminds me a bit of what I am calling The Shoemaker's Daughter syndrome, where in this case a professional psychotherapist (me) is having to deal with her surprisingly negative and unsupportive partner in this situation. If you were ever under the impression that psychology professionals have all the answers and don’t ever run into troubles in their personal lives, you are now officially relieved of that misconception.
Ah, love and partnership. In American culture, we are taught at an early age to have an expectation that we will live happily ever after once our prince or princess comes; many of us enter into committed relationships with the idea that our partners are our soul mates and that they will understand and support us completely - no matter what- and that they will always behave well, no matter what.
This idealized version of loving relationships does not leave room for the inner or even outer life of our partners. It also does not leave room for personal foibles, bad moods, bad days or even bad timing. It does, however, leave room for great unhappiness and strife when our unrealistic expectations are not met - meaning that you can not and should not expect your partner to be in sync with you 100 % of the time. The reality is that people will sometimes act in ways that you don’t like or that are hurtful – your partner is not a robot programmed to fulfill your every need, however wonderful that fantasy may be.
Am I smarting from my husband’s lack of support? You betcha. Do I wish he would reconsider his position and apologize for his initial stance? Uh-huh. Can I forgive him if he chooses to do neither? Absolutely.
Why? Well, here is the why…. There are many facets to the people in our lives. Some aspects of character and personality we love and cherish because they make us feel good about ourselves and about our partner who displays them; others we wish would just disappear. For example, I love my husband’s quick wit and charm at social gatherings but dislike the arrogance that can creep out when we are with people he is comfortable with. However, all these aspects of his character make up who he is. If the arrogance was permanently eliminated from his repertoire, what else would potentially be lost a long with it? Would his sexy confidence take a nose dive in response? Who knows?
The title of Erma Bombeck’s book, If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I doing In the Pits?, just flashed through my mind. The title connotes a wry acceptance of this thing we call life, with all its inherent ups and downs. Yes, my Prince Charming can sometimes do an amazing impression of the Grinch, but he is my Grinch just the same. Acceptance of our partners goes a long way.
Having my feelings hurt is really an important reminder to check our lines of communication to make sure they are in the open position and are working properly. It is also a golden opportunity for us to learn a little bit more about the other – a boon for couples like us who have been together a long time which can be used to refresh what we thought we knew about the other and remind ourselves of what is important.
I think some "make-up" time is on the horizon…..
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You bring up some very good points in a voice of wisdom and warmth. You absolutely should continue to use blogging as a creative outlet. Your husband will come around when the checks do...and if not, you can point out other, rather expensive and messy forms creativity, ie. oil painting, clay sculpting, candle making. Surely blogging is the lesser of all evils!
Wendy, I can so relate to how you feel and may be the only other woman out there that understands those moments of disappointment regarding his lack of support at times when you thought on-contraire, he would and even more frustratingly, he should(key word here), have been proud. Was that a run on sentence or what? I must say, you are gifted as a writer and you have my full support on this blog!!!! I have first hand experience reading books and watching films that only grew successful because they initially started out as blogging. I say keep it up and they should really invent soundproof keyboards by now due to the popular pet peeve of finger-digit-dancing. ( Say that 5 times fast over and over) hehe.
I love your reference to Erma Bombeck's book! We have all experienced this & to be honest, it makes you (the therapist) more human to us lay people. Keep the blogs coming!
:)
I always knew you had many talents!!! I'm proud of you and please keep it coming! Who knew all those years ago....
Great piece. Very relevant to anyone in a relationship! Your talents obviously extend beyond the kitchen. Kuddos Wendy.
We all do go through our loved ones unsupported behavior at one time or the other. There is indeed much to ponder upon as to "why." But that's another story LOL Thank you for writing all of this down as we too go through our own journey. Acceptance is indeed an important ingredient in relationships..and communication too.
Congratulations from the Hubnuggets Team! I wonder what his reaction will be that your hub is nominated? LOL Please follow this link to vote and have fun with the Hubnuggets! http://hubpages.com/_hubnuggets10/hub/A-HubNugget-
My husband doesn't mind my writing but he has never read the first hub and I have been writing for almost a year. Yes, it hurts but I am following my heart and I am okay. I loved your hub. Congratualtions of your nomination as a hubnugget.
Wendy, I thought your hub was excellent. My husband has never read any of my over 200 hubs that I have written in the past 11 months. He doesn't mind me writing but he isn't interesting in reading although he does occasionally discussed a topic if I want some outside input. It is okay as I am being true to myself. Just be true to yourself and write if that is what you want to do.
Although initially supportive, my husband no longer reads my hubs. I am getting over it. After a few months, and several thousand page views, I realize I can receive validation for my writing elsewhere. And like you say, there are many things about him that I love. This is a tiny piece of the marriage puzzle.
Congratulations on your hubnuggets nomination, and good luck at hubpages.
Namaste.
You go girl...! Great piece...I enjoyed it.
xo
Congratulations on your hubnugget win. Well deserved.
Congratulations on your hubnugget win, even if your husband chooses not to give you validation on your writing accomplishments, we will enjoy them! Sometimes the creative just need to stick together.
congratulation.. for hubnugget .. dont slow down with low encouraging from your partner. Live also a creativity, though and independent personality that need to develop and not depend on others even live partner.
It's very creative piece of writing. You touched the very basic fact of life. Commited relations like husband wife or partner should be based of 'giving space' to your partner. If you are feeling comfotable with your writing, you must go on..
I enjoyed reading this one - thank you for sharing your tolerance and experience :) It's a very powerful ability to look at the big picture after all - wishing something not really to our likes to vanish might as well take along something we really value (like a "sexy confidence" :)). Congratulation on your nomination!
Very well written piece on a topic that many of us here can relate to. Rated up! Congratulations on your hubnugget win :)
It just shows that we can love someone in spite of his/her faults. Loving someone does not mean we have to agree wholeheartedly with everything the other does. It is nice to have support, though.
Until I started writing for Hubpages I thought blogs were a waste of time too. I like the way that Hubpages is arranged. It is more my idea of what a blog should be. Some blogs seem to be so disorganized and have no coherence.
I hope to read more of your writing in the future and congratulations on your nomination.
Your husband sounds so much like mine! I'm often surprised when I get such an unexpectedly different reaction on certain topics. Because of this, I was hesitant to mention that I am writing articles online. I fully expected a rant of some kind, but when I finally got the courage to share, I was surprised again when he didn't criticize the idea. He hasn't read any of my articles as far as I know, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet anyway.
I think these differences between us keep us engaged. He always has an interesting perspective and it always makes me think more about the topic at hand.
Congratulations on being nominated and included in the Hubpages Weekly email!
Great hub. Keep up the great work, and you are assured of lots of readers and dedicated followers!
Congrats for the hub nugget nomination. Way to go...
Congratualtions on the win, I think that many of us can identify with you. I like your writing style very easy to read and very entertaining.
When I started hubbing my husband did the same thing too ,that your husband did.I do not think they mean any harm with it, but it is hurtful. I just think ,we have to find our inner strength as women. And who are they anyway? It is just an opinion.
Hi Glamourpuss,
I can so relate to your writing here. I learned a long time ago that my husband and I are like two creatures from different planets but that these differences do compliment each other. My husband hates people, social anything and will go out of his way never to be found online. I on the other hand love people, social media, writing, etc. I like to create cards online. Yesterday I asked if he wanted to see my latest card and he was like, "uh..." so I said, "Never mind." Actually he was in the middle of something, but I really don't take his disinterest personally. He hasn't seen any of my writing online - not any. But I want to encourage you because it's your passion and you enjoy it. Nice post. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, fellow hubbers and friends, for your warm wishes and wise thoughts. I am happy to be part of this community of talented people.
Very Best,
Wendy (AKA - Glamourpuss)
This one nearly made me cry! Although I do not identify entirely with your experience with your husband, I do completely understand the idea. While my boyfriend has read very little of what I have written, he still supports me and my writing wholeheartedly. However, I do have other people in my life who are not quite so enthusiastic about my passions and accomplishments. It is clear to me that you truly enjoy writing, and that is what you must keep doing. We may not always meet eye to eye with our loved ones, but we must always accept and love them (and the things they love to do), whether we understand or not.
very heartfelt hub...I agree with Maggs your writing style is effortless to read...captivated me all the way to the end... your win was well deserved!! too bad for hubby that he is so ingrained in his own space he cannot come into yours...he is losing out...dont fash yourself over it I say! love to you barbara b
bethiem 22 months ago
Great piece, Wendy! You're a talented writer. You will get plenty of accolades from others. What does hubby think about this particular piece, i wonder? Keep up the great work, so interesting. As someone who's been married 20 years, it certainly rang true! xo